You know those things that bug the everliving tar out of you, but you can't say anything about it because the socially acceptable thing to do is just plaster on a fake smile that you're secretly seething behind and fight the urge to scream your thoughts with every strained breath through your teeth? Well, I'm gonna say 'em, because I'm annoyed. To maintain some tiny shred of social acceptability (is that a word? I don't care), I'm going to be as general and vague as possible. I might fail miserably, because as I said I'M ANNOYED. (Side note: I did this once on Twitter, and it made me feel lots better. It also might have gotten me in a little bit of an uncomfortable situation at work, but that's resolved now.)
DISCLAIMER: If anything I say hurts your feelings because you think I'm talking about you, you're probably wrong. Some, if not most, of the things I'm about to say are entirely sarcastic and may or may not reflect my true feelings when I'm not in a hyper-annoyed state. However, if you think that any of the things you read might apply to you, you should probably take a good long look at yourself & realize that someone out there has probably wanted to say something like this to you at some point or another. I'm sure I'm also guilty of some of these things. All comments should be taken with a large glass of Snark and a swig of STFU, Lydia.
And... we're off!
Just because there is a bell lying on a counter does not mean you have to ring it. The people who work in the place where said bell resides probably hear that bell more often than you think, & that sound is not particularly pleasant. If your child is the perpetrator, it's not as cute or funny as you think it is.
Congratulations on your marriage, really. Now please find something else to talk about, because chances are that all your friends (and possibly your family) think your spouse is a jerk and don't want to have to fight the urge to tell you that we think you made a huge mistake.
On a related note, your children are adorable. They are blessings from God that no one should take advantage of, and kids bring a special kind of joy that nothing else can. They are also not the only children on the planet, nor are they sweet and perfect and wonderful and don't-you-want-to-pinch-their-cheeks?-fantastic every second of every day, so please stop acting like it.
You're not as sneaky as you think you are. It's obvious that you're seeing someone else and trying to hide it, and that makes me feel bad for her because clearly you still care what I think (even though I'm not sure why) and are embarrassed by the whole thing. Actually, I understand the embarrassment because the girl is clearly buying whatever worthless lines you're selling her. Even I fell for some of that and I'm way smarter than her, because she can't even spell "feel" ("feal" really?) and I know because I saw the card that you "accidentally" left on the table. Subtlety is not your strong suit. Also, it would serve you well to tell the truth about not having a baseball game when I can verify it online at the league's website which you keep urging me to "check out" so that I can see your stats for the season. I actually hope that you see this one so you know that someone out there still knows just how full of shit you are.
When you're in a public restroom, for the love of all that's good FLUSH THE TOILET. No one else wants to see what is probably your greatest accomplishment of the day. That's just sick.
The fact that you have a degree in a medical field does not necessarily make you an intelligent person. (This actually applies to all fields.)
You don't live/work completely alone. The things you do or don't do around the house/office affect someone other than you.
We all get it, you're single and enjoying it. I'm glad you're having a good time and all, but sometimes you come off as kind of irresponsible, and other times you just look like a slut. You might want to tone that down before you really do end up alone because you've scared off anyone that might actually be worth spending the rest of your life with.
Small dogs are cute & great & wonderful, sure. Their messes are still disgusting, and just a paper towel isn't going to get all the nasty off of a linoleum floor. Use some sort of cleaner. Bleach is better, but rinse it afterward. Your dogs are nasty, but they're still living things... don't kill them.
If you smoke, you smell like it. No amount of cologne or body spray will cover it, so give us all a break & lighten up, would ya?
Everyone's driving habits change when they use a cell phone in the car. You're no exception. If you must talk, get a hands-free device. If you think you need to text, you don't. It can wait til you get where you're going, or you can call. On your hands-free device.
You're in your twenties. Legally, you're recognized as an adult. Grow up & stop acting like you're still in high school. You call it an "interesting life," but the rest of us just call it "drama."
Well, I feel better! How about you? If there's something that bugs you that I didn't cover, leave it in the comments section and we'll make it a good old-fashioned bitch fest!
